Recently some new friends of mine were in a really scary accident. I say new because I had really just begun to get to know them. They’ve been a staple of the community that I run in forever and I’ve always known of them because they are kind and beautiful and a ton of fun but I hadn’t had the chance to really get to know them on a personal level.
Despite the fact that I barely knew them and had only hung out with them a few times, the news of their accident has thrown me into a real state of reflection and, frankly, dark thoughts. Thankfully they are both, ultimately, going to be fine I think. But they have a long road of recovery ahead of them and recently, they seem to be the only thing I can think about.
I don’t know if it’s the severity of the accident or just how unfair it seems that it had to be them but this is one of those moments that I will never forget. I don’t mean to sound selfish in all of this, I know that they will also never forget it and that in the end the impact that I feel is practically insignificant compared to what they must be going through. That being said, however, I do think it’s important to capitalize on this opportunity for reflection and processing.
The main thing it’s done is bring all of my fears to the forefront. I’ve always been one who’s wrestled with irrational fears and my own sense of “victim-ness”. I blame my upbringing, frankly, but that’s another post (c:
I’ve found myself lately waking up to nightmares that make no sense, being convinced that the people on the street that I pass are somehow going to turn from harmless bystander to attackers–or dodging car accidents that were never going to happen to begin with. It’s been strange. And frustrating. Taking it all into consideration, however, I feel it’s all probably pretty normal. Anytime something drastic happens to people that you can relate to and identify with, it’s a very natural reaction to put yourself into their situation (or something that feels similar to your interpretation of their situation). I know it will pass but it’s made for some difficult days.
Part of me, namely the part of my brain that shamelessly looks for the opportunity in everything, has been on overdrive trying to figure out how to utilize these feelings to make some work happen–I’m always talking about how I want more grit and authenticity in my work–well, here’s my opportunity.
It feels cheap, though. And that sounds like an excuse to me. Go figure.
I think, ultimately, many hours of journaling are ahead of me as I parse through the recent events and figure out where it leaves me.